let me guess...(the 09' edition)

Let me guess...this is the year for a "new beginning"...That douchebag holding you back from seeing your true inner beauty while introducing his favorite 3 knuckles on his right hand to your weathered cheek is GONE...out of here!!!...Quit smoking, stop cheating, lose weight, read more, make new friends, start cheating...what ?!?! lol...I've heard them all before and, with delight, will take it upon myself to enlighten you. (There is no Santa Claus) 2009 will go like this...Obama will take office, everybody with proceed to shit themselves with glee...He will get nothing done...He'll meet with people and...i dont know...discuss shit...but his first year will be similar to the period of time after I learned how to masturbate...the hours just pass by and other than stopping to eat and bathe, there is zero productivity...there'll be a scandal of some kind...about something that any man/girl (sumbliminal huh? lol) would do anyway...spitzer anyone?...and people will just say, "oh my goodness, that's baffling to me...why would he/she do that?"...done with politics...A movie will come out and pwn...it will be about some bad ass dude who takes on a whole bunch of other bad ass dudes alone cause he's so bad ass with these LASERS lol...it's gonna star some guy you noticed along side another star in the latter's hit movie...Celebrities' on cue, will break each other's frail hearts and hook up with other gorgeous people...you're love life will center around "I love him even though he hits me" girl...there will be no passion or trysts in Barabados with Taye Diggs...that shit doesn't happen...you will likely gain weight...and because I'm helpful, as always, I'll tell you how...You'll start buying everything at Whole Foods...the problem with eating organic and healthy is that it costs 1/3 more than being a slob so now you're starting to feel the pinch from the recession and realize the 8 calorie rice patty that never fills you up can't come in big enough bags...you pound them shits down like honolulu street walkers, which in turn, increase that saggy to begin with set of thighs...You cut things like the gym membership that you aren't even using anyway...and spend more time where things make sense...on the couch with your friends, chugging down $13 Riesling while re-watching movies that end up with the lonely girl being swept up by the handsome millionaire with a heart of gold...they were last scene perusing dingy motels for prominent Meth-Lab locations...You won't stop smoking...ever...well not ever...you'll stop the second the doctor scans the test results and let you in on the secret...YOU HAVE LUNG CANCER...that is just sucky...and guess what caused it? Was it the time that you , in a drunken stupor, decided to tongue down that strippers vagina monologue?...sadly, maybe...nah it couldn't...shit, i hope not...no no no no...no you moron...it was the chemical laced fire sticks that you just HAD to have...Cheers mate!...There will be a trend that no one will understand...and that means everyfuckingbody will have it on...and it will annoy me to the point of blogging...this year if you can't remember (or hopefully forget) people would wear orange sneakers with white jeans and a red shirt and those ridiculous kanye shades...Boy George was doing this shit a million years ago...the Rope chains and A-rab scarves are hot though...Love me a thick rope chain...Oh yeah, on some BIG DADDY KANE shit...No Half Steppin' bitch!...An old celeb will die...but the funny part is you will either not care because you haven't seen him/her in so long that you actually forgot they still worked or you thought they died already...Spanish people will rise into the upper echelon of every major department in government...Champagne will pop and flow down crystal pyramids while I, DB, marinate in brand new super puss...A new phone will come out that will do loads of extra shit in a new way and everybody will want it...few will afford it, but it will still pwn...i'm going out of a limb here...phones will all come with cameras built into them...why?...so you can take pictures of crimes or accidents...or of your cock rocket and instantly share them with girls, who obviously are mid-masturbate and need that little push over the edge of monotony (there's only so many times you can think of you're man while rubbing that little extra piece of heaven) you know what i'm saying?...2009 will be just like 2008....there are no new beginnings because this isn't a fucking movie...you still have a past...I'm sorry Sally Slutmouth, there is no chalkboard that can be wipe clean with the 2009 edition eraser...you sally, are still a slut...you make not think you are...but you are...you are a big slut...i mean i would still you know...do you..but you are a slut...and after you leave...im going to call up Agent M and tell her how your still a slut...and i will regret being with you...but....oh yes there is a but...Getting new vag to kick off the 2009 season...that my friend is pwnage...Though it is hard to completely sell out...Underneath the cynicism, I wish you luck...All of you...It might not mean much, but, I'm pulling for you...Karma does what it must and in the end, a hypocrite will be seen in a better light than a pessimist...So here it goes...I hope you get the nice boyfriend you're after (even though he won't complete you cause more than likely you are a shallow twit)...I hope find the dream job you seek (Chances for that in this economy are slim)...and that you quit smoking (Cancer is Man on Man Prison Rape)...That was easy...oh and by the way, Roederer makes a dry Rose' that is amazing for under 30 bucks...Moet Nectar Imperial is still the most beautiful color on earth...I would find an excuse to buy both (trust me it's worth it)...Why does Pathmark already have Valentines Day shit for sale?....You know what I can give a fuck cause I'm going to watch Marc Anthony on the 14th of Feburary....it's not like I want a nice girlfriend lol ...Happy Same Shit Is Gonna Happen And Now We're A Year Closer To Dying New Year!


Good luck being losers...FYDS,

-D to the B